A modest proposal; obesity yea!
America: a beautiful place; flowers, cities, fast food, technology, towns, friends, melting pots. America is awesome! Right? Is that not what we all believe, you, me, our neighbors, cousins, I mean everybody thinks that, we even sucked in people from other countries, some of them come here to live better lives, some to sell drugs, some because they have to, because everybody still knows that for whatever your reason is, America is awesome. Yet there is another term that America has adopted that is under the same prefixes, some people know about it, but this is much worse. This is a major problem. That thing is not awesome; it is obesity…dun dun dunnnnn. Everybody knows someone that is, I know someone that is, I am someone that is but that’s ok because hell I’m not alone, and probably never will be at this rate. So I would humbly like to present my plan for American skinniness, I shall call it the Twig movement. The more I think about it the more real it gets. Why do we never win the Olympics, or why do we always win but the person’s name is always like Asian or Russian, but we win, well the reason is we export those great athletes from different counties, we only have like 4 athletes in every Olympics each one is from a different European country. This is because we are over populated by the obese; we can’t compete so we buy people to compete, what is that malarkey, like really. To continue has anybody ever notice the fact that the most controversial thing in New York in like 2010 was the mayor getting rid of Big Gulp drinks, like are we all fat do we need this overly large cup to drink from? Well if you don’t think so, then I’d get to talking to some new yorkas because apparently they really care that their drink is SUPER SIZED, like we all need that. Plus what the hell are we going to do when a war roles around and we send 300 pound men and women into the army and they get to like 250 and we have to attack, yea nothing were going to send obese people to this county to try to kill skinny people who move much faster than we do. So this all brings upon my main point the coup’ d’état, my idea the most amazing thing heard by anybody ever and you guys get to hear it first. So think about this, where are skinnies located? You got it, yea I bet you all had the same answer… Africa… What did you say…Africa…Don’t be afraid…Africa… Say it like you mean it…F*****g Africa… ok ok calm it down there reader don’t need to get rambunctious. But you are correct Africa, if, in theory we send every single obese person to Africa how could we have a fat country? The thing is how do I know who is obese and who is just dense and “thick boned“ well I have come up with an answer, a specialized “You’re going to Africa” chart. So if you are 4 feet and under and obese end of story you are going in a stew and being sent to other starving countries, but if you are 4’1 through 5 feet tall you can only be 150, yea then if you are bigger than that you’re going to Africa. 5’1 to 6’ tall and you can be 200 pounds, with a body fat to muscle ratio of 2-1 so if you are 50% fat and 25% muscle, by by fatso, if your 1-2 then I guess you can stay, then you may ask “what is your 1-1 ratio, well then in that case you get to go on a boat to a special place called the bottom of the ocean because then you would be like mostly water and bone, and that’s weird and no person in Africa is going to want you. If you are 6’1” to 7’ then you may weigh 250 with the same index as listed above, if over 7 feet, you are a freak of nature and probably a basketball player so you can probably stay. Transportation will be achieved in the best possible way this is you buying your own plane ticket and leaving, and if you do not leave you will be burned alive on a stake in public for humiliation and execution, and be aflame for 24-48 hours cause there is extra stuff to burn. Once in Africa a system of bidding will occur, the African people may bet on you, since their currency is more than likely beans we will take the beans show them to you and proceed to throw them in the trash, we won’t even recycle them. Once sold to this family they are allowed to trade you, sell you, eat you, leave you to die, or anything that you can physically think they could do to you they can and will, this may lead to death but that’s ok, its the price for skinny. Since Africa is so skinny we assume they cannot feed their own family let alone you so more than likely half of you will get eaten and should get eaten, if this does not work and the fattys' bodies do not start to eat themselves and or the obese people do not start eating themselves, then a full blown atomic attack will ensue and Russia will be destroyed so that the African people and you may migrate there where it is cold and your bodies will die quickly because you will have attempted to migrate thousands of miles for death and coldness. This will for starts help the African population to thrive, or die either or, not only that but back in the US of A there will be a bunch of extra food, this we can give to other starving countries which are not Africa and help them get fit and strong and not scrawny and weak. Also this will help our relations with china because once the fatty’s come back almost dead they can start building muscle and making stuff again then we will be out of debt with china. And able to fend them off, plus china will respect us fit not fat humans. Now with such a strong well-built plan I always anticipate pointless questions that must be answered. Such as “Aren’t we just killing people,” Well my answer to that is yes kind of, but we have overpopulation as it is we could use a few deaths here and there and probably all over Africa. Another question or annoying statement might be,” Most of America is fat we will have nobody left.” I would say that is true cause it is but we have food the universal solver of world peace, and now that the fats are gone we have all the food in the world at our disposal, plus we have already imported people from other countries so we have some people. One last question might arise “ now that we have all that food mightent the skinnies get fat.” No cause we will kill them if they do. If we are a skinny country we win the Olympics with dudes name Bob Johnson and dudets named Sarah smith, we fight any war and win, plus we all feel good and can interact with each other in probably a more ahhem, a uh bow chica wow wow, way if I may say. Now I also thought of working out and eating right as a ok way to make America skinnier, but that seems oddly pointless plus haven’t we been trying this for years, yea no that is a poor choice Africa seems to be the most sophisticated and well rounded idea.